I haven't written in the blog for awhile. A very good friend of mine told me that he had found my blog and read some of my postings. After he told me that he read some of the blogs, I immediately went to the site and erased everything. It kind of unnerved me. I have always kind of hidden my experiences about Vietnam from most of my friends and shared some only with immediate family. I have never told about some of the more horrible things that a lot of Medics experienced because I just don't feel that people, including family, would understand. I guess I thought that I would be looked on as "crazy" by anyone but family who read of my experiences and feelings about the war. Anyhow, that changed today when I received an e-mail from the Nephew of Louie Castillio, one of my Medic friends that got killed in Vietnam. It was a poem that he had written about soldiers. After reading it I just broke down and cried. He mentions his uncle and me in this poem. I was very humbled and honored.
Vietnam, as I have said before, left me with an extreme feeling of guilt for leaving behind those that died because I couldn't help them and those that were still fighting when I left. I felt that I was abandoning them and doing a cowardly thing by leaving. It still haunts me to this day and I don't know that I will ever be free of it.
I am more fortunate than other brothers who returned in that I have a wonderfully supportive family but the feeling still lingers and I still have nightmares about that shit hole place. Therapy has helped but like I said before, it will always be there and I must learn to accept it and continue to move forward. Sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle.
Anyhow, that's where my head is today.
Peace
Thursday, April 21, 2011
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